50 Things My Dad Has Taught Me

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. Thank you for dropping so much knowledge on me. I am a lucky girl.

1. How to Properly Road Trip

It’s important to take turns leading the pack that you inevitably team up with on the highway during a long road trip. Generally, you’re all looking to go about 10 over the speed limit – but the car in front is putting himself in the most dangerous position if a cop is waiting on the other side of that hill. Car number 1’s brake lights sends a message to the rest of the group. For a moment in time, you are family. So take turns being the risk taker, it’s the right thing to do. And also, when you or someone else exits, make sure you wave goodbye to them since you will probably never see them again in your life.

2. Have Good Work Ethic

It doesn’t matter if it’s your baby sitting job or your job running your own company – always do the job you were hired to do, and do it well. Be reliable and be eager so you can go home at night feeling alright about yourself. Good work ethic also makes it easier to stay employed.

3. Don’t Forget to Get Your Oil Changed

I swear if my dad didn’t continually remind me that cars need to have their oil changed, and if he didn’t continually ask me if I’ve changed the oil in my car, I would have broken a lot of cars by now. I guess girls just don’t think of stuff like that.

4. When You Can, Aerate Your Wine

Not because it releases the aromas or whatever, but because it makes a cool sound and it’s kinda fun to do.

 5. Always Ask Someone to be Your Valentine

Since I can remember, on Feb 14, my dad will ask me this serious question: “Will you be my Valentine?” He never assumes I already am just because I was the year before – nope – he always asks politely. It’s really respectful and really sweet. It didn’t occur to me that it’s actually a bit inappropriate until I was way older, but regardless, I sure like knowing I’m never not someone’s Valentine on this day. And that I was asked.

6. If You Can’t Afford to Go On Vacation, Don’t Go on Vacation

Work harder, save more, do what you have to do to get yourself in a place where you don’t have to think about the money during the trip. There’s simply nothing worse than a half-assed vacation. If you want the lobster, get the lobster. Because, you know, you’re on vacation, remember?

7. Get a College Degree

Not because it helps you get you a job (it doesn’t), but because the things you learn while going to college are way more useful than the actual college itself. Plus, it will feel good to finish something you started.

8. Cook Dinner with a Single Pan

The more dishes you use to cook the meal, the longer it takes to clean up the kitchen. So get creative with it… my dad makes an excellent ground beef / onion / tomato / corn / tobassco / cheese thing. I’ll try to get him to write down the recipe for you. It doesn’t taste that great, but the clean up is delightful!

9. If You Don’t Like What’s Happening in the Room, Leave it

It sounds almost too simple, but that’s what makes it genius. If you don’t like what someone is saying, just leave the room so you don’t have to hear them saying it. It works 100% of the time.

10. How to Change a Tire

How awesome is my dad that when I got my first car, he made me change all four tires on it in front of him before he’d let me drive off? “No daughter of mine is gonna get herself stuck in a bad situation she can’t get herself out of because she can’t change a damn tire.” (I haven’t changed a tire since that day, I always just get a dude to do it for me. But it’s nice that I kinda know what they’re doing while I watch.)

11. Sleep in Soft T-Shirts

They’re super comfortable. Also on Saturdays, just keep it on all day and nobody will know you never changed out of your PJs.

12. Onion Rings > French Fries

Less guilt on the carb front. Super tasty. And not as filling as fries so you can fit more in your belly.

13. Read

It’s a great way to start the day and it keeps your mind sharp.

14. John Wayne is the Man

I was pretty much raised to believe this was an indisputable fact, and I see no reason to stop believeing it now.

15. Sleeping on the Floor is Awesome

It’s a nice change for your back, and the floor is nice and cool when it’s hot as hell outside.

16. Wave to Cops on the Road

People hate cops and they rarely get a friendly wave. It’s just a nice thing to do, and it really makes them smile. You can do a salute at them too every once in a while, just to change it up.

17. When You Find Pants that Fit You, Stop Looking For Pants that Fit You

My dad wears Wrangler jeans, and he has about 50 of them. He never has to stress about buying pants! When he needs new pants, my mom simply drives to Costco and buys him more. No stress.

18. Don’t Be Afraid to Watch Your Favorite Movies a Gazillion Times

I’ve seen Titanic, Grease, and Airborne more times than anyone on earth. I enjoy knowing every line and I enjoy watching them over and over again. My dad taught me this is nothing to be ashamed of… you should ask him how many times he’s seen The Searchers. (Yes, it’s a John Wayne film. That guy’s the man.)

19. Don’t Sub the Sides, Trade the Sides

This is how he orders at a restaurant: “I’ll have the chicken…. but I was wondering, how would you feel about me trading you these mashed potatoes that come with it, for like… some green beans or something?” The man has figured out a way to be one of those annoying diners who switches the menu around – only he does it in the most endearing way, so nobody ever seems to mind.

20. Little Things are Just as Important as Big Things

My dad wakes my mom up with coffee every morning. She’s super spoiled as a result, but it’s an adorable little routine they have. I think it has something significant to do with how they’ve stayed so happily married.

21. How to Drive a Stick Shift

Same thing like with the tire changing.No daughter of mine is gonna get herself stuck in a bad situation she can’t get herself out of because she can’t drive a damn stick shift.” He took the time to teach me, and risked his clutch in the process. Now that’s love.

22. Blue Bell Ice Cream

Once you learn it is the best, all other brands of ice cream taste like disappointment.

23. Wake up Early

It might be the only quiet time you get all day, which can be more important than sleep. Plus you can take a nap later on if you’re still tired. Which brings me to,

24. If You Need a Nap, Put on the Golf Tournament

That soothing commentary will knock you into a peaceful dream world like no other. Sleeping on the floor while a golf tournament plays low on the tv… that’s basically the Boars Head of naps.

25. Don’t Know What to Make for Dinner? Fry the World

My mom went back to school when we were kids, so Dad would have to make dinners for us some nights. He didn’t really know how to cook, but he knew how to fry. So he’d get the oil temperature perfect, then have my brother and I look in the fridge and pull out whatever we saw. “Dad, can we fry this apple?” “We can sure as hell try! Toss it over here darlin, we’re fryin’ the world tonight!”

26. You Don’t Have to Discuss Politics with Everyone

We don’t agree. We’ll never agree. No need to beat a dead horse… let’s talk about something else.

27. Snore if You Want

My dad saws logs in his sleep. Growing up, I just assumed all dads snored like that. It’s annoying for my mom but I like how he unapologetically snores. He can’t control it about himself – so he owns it. LIKE A BOSS.

28. Keep a Gallon of Water in Your Car

You know when you’re stuck in traffic and you’re thirsty, but you don’t have any water? If you had that gallon jug of water in the back seat like my pops has, you wouldn’t have a problem. Also extremely useful for washing hands, cleaning the windshield… there are endless circumstances when this gallon will come in handy. You’ll see.

29. Instead of One Entrée, Order a Couple of Appetizers

You get to try more foods on the menu this way. Genius.

30. Don’t Spend All Your Money

You can’t predict the future, all you can do is prepare for it. Don’t live beyond your means, it ends up taking your freedom away in the end.

31. Eat Breakfast with the Ones You Love

When I was in elementary school, about once a month my dad would wake me up early and take me to Village Inn for breakfast before school. We’d sit and talk just the two of us over a light 3,600 calorie breakfast. I always loved getting to start my day with a happy breakfast like that.

32. When You Buy a Car, Drive it Until it Dies

Cars cost money, and they cost you more if you change what you drive every few years. So buy something you can afford, then drive it into the ground. I think my dad’s last truck had so many miles on it that the speedometer flipped back to zero and started over.

33. Always Have Tabasco Sauce on Hand

It’s good on everything.

34. If You Want to Get off the Phone, Hand it to the Person Next to You.

This trick works great when your significant other is standing next to you. You tell the person it was great talking for a minute, but you’re handing the phone over to ___(name)___ so they can say hi. Wa-la!

35. Keep Your Vodka in the Freezer

It really is better chilled like that. He suggests Kettle One Citreon.

36. Be Kind to Every Person You Work with

He taught me to respect everyone, at all levels. My dad has a small company in Texas with a few employees. One year, someone who worked for him gave him a nice workers jacket as a thanks for being such a nice boss. I tell you this because I’ve worked for plenty of people I would never ever want to buy a jacket for. It’s just better to be kind (and you might get a free jacket out of it, which is cool!)

37. Life is Easier When You Accept that Mom’s the Boss

I fought this for more years than I’d like to admit, but eventually I too grew tired. Dad taught me that family life is just better when you decide mom gets to drive the ship.

38. Bacon is Better with Brown Sugar

Just toss a tiny bit in the pan right before it’s done, and then send my dad a thank you card after you taste it.

39. Say ‘Yes Sir’ and ‘Yes Ma’am’

I know this is sort of a Texas thing, but he taught me this at a young age. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how old the other person is – when you refer to them as ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’, you are giving them respect. And everyone deserves respect.

40. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure is a Most Excellent Film

We saw this together when I was little, and it became a family favorite. Also, Three Amigos and any Griswald movie. He never gets tired of quoting them and I never get tired of hearing it.

41. Put Salt on your Watermelon

Might be a Texas thing, but he taught me this as a kid and I’ve never looked back. Try it.

42. If You Can, Be Your Own Boss

Obviously, we’re not all in a position where we can make this happen. But I’ve seen my dad work hard for himself, and work hard for others… and I know which one makes him happier. One day I hope I get to own my own company as well – imagine all the free jackets!

43.  If You Can’t Remember a Name, Shake Their Hand and Say “Hey! What Do Ya Say, Bud?”

It’s so overly friendly that the person would never dream you don’t remember their name. (I should note that he’s never taught me this specifically, I’ve just noticed that he does it and it totally works. I’m onto you, Dad.)

44. Stick to the Plan

My dad loves to come up with a plan, and then execute that plan. I’m not that way, and it drives him mad. But alas, he still tries to teach this to me. I don’t even know what it means! What plan? Stick to WHAT plan?!

45. It’s Okay if You Don’t Know Who Halle Berry Is

We all spend so much energy on pop culture, it can be exhausting. But once when we were playing Cranium, my dad said he didn’t know how to draw the word on the card because “he had never tried one before.” He said, “I’ve had a blueberry and a raspberry, but I’ve never even heard of this type of berry.” I looked at the card and… You know what? My dad’s life is going just fine even though he doesn’t know who the hell Halle Berry is.

46. Don’t Order a Milkshake when You can Order a Malt

Malts are better. You can also buy malt at the grocery store and sprinkle it on Blue Bell ice cream.

47. Take Care of Your Family

I wish every grandparent was as lucky as mine are. The way my dad cares for them is incredibly admirable. When it comes to family, move mountains if you have to. Nothing matters more.

48. While the Pasta Boils, Use the Steam to Reshape Your Felt Cowboy Hat

It’s a great way to multi task. I personally don’t own a cowboy hat but if you do, I’ve seen this method work very well.

49. When You Add a Piece to a Puzzle, Tap on it a Few Times so the Room Knows About it

Completing a puzzle feels very rewarding, but you can get hundreds of mini rewarding feelings if you announce to everyone every single time you fit another piece.

50. Always Keep Something Close to You That Reminds You of Your Dad

My dad wears a St Christopher necklace that his dad gave him over thirty years ago, every single day. It’s a constant reminder of his dad’s memory, and probably a constant reminder of way more than the 50 things his dad taught him. I owe my grandpa big for raising a good man, and a great dad.

Thank you for all you’re teaching me, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.

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What I Hope Watching Titanic 3D is Like, Compared to What Watching Titanic 2D is Like.

#1 THE NUDE SKETCH SCENE

2D version:
Wearing nothing but a cheetah robe, Rose strips down and gives Jack a dime to “draw her like one of his French girls” (i.e., nude). Jack tries to play it cool while he sketches, but he’s sweating enough to give away that he’s definitely hiding a semi under his sketchbook. He finally completes his masterpiece and Rose loves it. Then they hear Cal coming from the other room so they run away to safety.

My Hopeful 3D version:
Rose gets naked on the couch and Jack begins to draw her. I, sitting in the theatre audience, notice that little piece of hair that keeps getting in his eyes. It seems to be bothering him, so I reach out and simply brush it away. This breaks Jack’s concentration, and he looks directly at me.

“Thank you. I kept trying to shake it away with my head but it kept falling back.”

“I know.”

“Do… do I know you? You look familiar.”

“I’m Sara,” I say. “I might look familiar because I’ve been watching you since you won that hand at poker.”

“Wow, stalk much?” he jokes. I smile. He’s got such a good sense of humor.

“Well I can’t take my eyes off you.” He reaches out to caress my face. I’ve had whatever-the-female-equivalent-of-blue-balls-is for this guy since 1997, so his touch feels [there is no word to describe its perfection].

I stand up from my seat so he can get a really good look at me in my black spaghetti strap dress. Jack breaks one of the straps off of it, á la Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire. I giggle adorably, just like Rene Zelewiger did. He helps me unzip the back and step out of it. The audience is totally whispering about my public nakedness, but Jack and I are so mesmerized by each other, we don’t hear it.

“Now draw me like one of your French girls, Jack.”

Rose is all annoyed, “JACK. I’M OVER HERE JACK HELLOOOOO?!” He looks back at her laid out on the couch, suddenly finding her naked positioning desperate and unattractive. He crumbles up her drawing and she gasps as he chucks it towards the trashcan. He makes it in the basket because he’s perfect.

He starts drawing me. I can’t believe it’s actually happening. A few minutes later he turns the paper around and shows me a gorgeous, figure-flattering sketch of me. I blush when I read the message he added next to his signature that says: “I WANT YOU. I NEED YOU. I LOVE YOU.”

I jump into the screen and we do it against Cal’s safe. And it’s magnificent.

#2 THE FREEZING WATER SCENE

2D version:
Doomed to the water, Jack leads Rose to a wooden headboard he’s found floating around (that miraculously, nobody claimed while he left it to find her in what is literally a sea of people). They both try to get on it, but Jack slips. A gentleman, he remains submerged in the water so Rose can have the headboard. He tells her she’s going to die an old lady warm in her bed. Next, he dies. Then as she’s letting him go, she tells him she’ll never let him go. (It sounds dumb but it’s actually quite moving.)

My Hopeful 3D version:
“I need you to swim, Rose!” Jack screams. At this point, I’ve been watching for a while so I’m on the edge of my seat. This is it. I know he’ll die on me again if I don’t do something – but what? She gets on the headboard and he holds her hand from the water. I lean over to my friend sitting next to me and whisper, “WHY DID HE ONLY TRY ONCE? THERE IS PLENTY OF ROOM ON THAT HEADBOARD. HE SHOULD TRY AGAIN.” Suddenly, the music switches from that Celine Dion shit to the heroic melody found in super hero movies. Could it be?

He heard me.

He demands that Rose scoot over. “Move your ass, are you trying to kill me?!” he shouts at her. Finally he manages to balance himself on the board with her. He turns and looks at me. I’m crying because like I said, it’s a pretty moving scene.

“Thank you. You saved my life,” he says to me as if I’m the only one there.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Sara, Jack. And I saved you because I love you.”

Rose is barely conscious and singing ‘Come Josephine’ to herself. For the next few hours before the rescue boat arrives, Jack and I have THE BEST conversation. We learn about each other and can’t believe how much we have in common. We both want to travel, we both love to cuddle, and we agree that if you order a steak anything more than medium rare, you don’t know shit about shit.

“I’ve always wanted to go to Wisconsin,” I say. Sure it’s a lie, but c’mon you guys – he’s gorgeous.

“Come visit me and my family there.”

Our amazing conversation continues until we’re interrupted by the rescue boat.

“UMM HELLO WHO IS THAT GIRL, JACK?!” I see him flinch at the annoying squeak in Rose’s voice. He just ignores her as they both swim to the life boat.

Safe and rescued and finally settled in NYC, Jack and Rose start fighting like crazy. Turns out, that ten bucks in his pocket and all that “nothing” he has to offer her isn’t such a romantic turn-on in the land of Burberry and Louis Vutton. He’s relieved when she tells him she’s leaving him for some Wall Street type, and he moves back to Wisconsin to be with his family.

I try to play it cool like I’m busy when he calls me to visit, but I hop on a bus immediately.

When I get there, we do it on the grass by that lake where he fell through the ice once as a kid. And it’s magnificent.

#3 THE GARAGE CAR SCENE

2D version:
Jack and Rose are on the run from Cal’s security. They find a car in steerage and hide inside it. He jokingly asks her where she wants to go in the car, and she says the stars. Then they get naked. We don’t see much but we know it’s hot and heavy because of the steamy handprint on the windshield. They pillow talk for a bit and escape before security thinks to check for them in the car’s backseat.

My Hopeful 3D version:
Jack asks Rose if she’s nervous and she whispers no. They start making out and I watch them from my seat in the shadows, real creepy like. I wait for it and, bam, there it is: her handprint smeared on the window. Looks like things are wrapping up.

They lay for a while, catching their breath. It’s pretty steamy and kinda gross smelling but I don’t say anything. Instead, I reach out to the steamy windshield and use my finger to write a message: SHE’S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.

He looks up and reads my words. “Are you crazy? She’s perfect.”

I write more on the steamy windshield: ROSE = HERPES. (I know this isn’t true but need I remind you – he’s gorgeous.)

“What’s herpes?” he ignorantly asks. Awww.

SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT. SOMETHING I DON’T HAVE.

He smiles. “I really love your handwriting.”

Bingo.

THANKS. I REALLY LOVE YOUR FACE, I scribble on the window.

For the first time, he looks at me. “Wow. I love your face too.”

WHAT ABOUT HER? I draw an arrow towards Rose, asleep from her orgasm.

“Why don’t you let me worry about her.”

“But you love her,” I utter quietly, as not to wake her.

Jack rolls his eyes, “Um. No. I loved the mystery of her. But now that I’ve sacked her, I’m bored.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “What?! You’re supposed to be a perfect country boy… you sound like any random asshole from the city.”

Jack smirks, “Well why do you think I’m on a ship headed for the city? So many lonely, desperate chicks – like Ruby here.”

“Her name is Rose.”

“Whatever.”

This cannot be the Jack Dawson I’ve pined over for the last 15 years. This can’t be the guy I’ve compared every boyfriend I’ve ever had to, and inevitably dumped because he doesn’t hold a candle to Jack’s charisma, his big heart, his taste for adventure.

“So you just… played her?”

“She’s just some rich bitch, what do you care? Hey, give me your number and I’ll call you when I get to the city.”

I stand up from my theatre seat and dramatically slap Jack across the face. “I HOPE YOU DROWN ON THIS SHIP!” I scream as I grab my things and run out of the theatre.

As the door shuts behind me, I can hear Jack yelling, “Die?! It’s an unsinkable ship, you dumb bitch!”

I stop for a silent moment outside to mourn the loss of the ideal man who I have loved for half of my life. I should have known he was too good to be true. I take a deep breath and do something I never thought I would do – I let him go. I solemnly accept the reality of who he really is and finally, I am free of Jack Dawson.  No more comparing a fictional character to a real human man trying to date me. Suddenly, I am… I can’t believe I’m able to say it … I am emotionally available.

Wait a minute…

I run back into the theatre and give him my number. If he comes to NYC, I bet I can change him. Because guys are super easy to change. And then we’ll do it all over Manhattan. And it will be magnificent.

LA vs. NYC, by a 2.5-Years-in-the-Past Me

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My friend just showed me this post he wrote on my facebook wall almost two and a half years ago. He was staying at The Viceroy in Santa Monica for a TV shoot. I’m fairly positive he was drunk off  $28 Client Dime Martinis when he declared his desire to jump coasts. And I probably wrote him back while sitting at my desk in Manhattan – overworked and underpaid.

In my response, I guess I’m trying to convince him that NYC is better than LA? But man, do I do a terrible job. Dreadful. I practically convince him to eventually move to LA. Which he did. Last week.

Reading my response today, two and a half years later, I think I just convinced myself to move to LA. And I’m writing this while laying in my bed in my apartment in Costa Rica, so at this point I literally have no idea what the fuck is going on. But I wanna go to LA YESTERDAY.

My response:

Jed! Don’t give into its powers. You aren’t thinking clearly – just look around you – your room has plates on the wall and someone cleans it for you everyday. And its FREE!l AND SO ARE YOUR LAVISH MEALS! That’s not REALITY!

In reality, LA is traffic. It’s a DUI driving home from the bar. It’s being spread out all over the city, thus creating a lonely feeling when one realizes they may be 8 miles from their friends but they’re actually 2 hours away from seeing any of them. It’s never being thin enough. It’s wanting to work in the entertainment industry just like everyone else. It’s never getting in anywhere cool because you don’t have fake boobs (or the male equivalent. Fake penis I guess?). It’s everyone dressed the same – like, LITERALLY dressed the same. It’s SPY sunglasses, UGGS, and Ed Hardy hats. It’s less American Apparel and more bedazzled trucker hat.

It’s 70º year round. It’s cheaper rent. It’s the freedom to sing loudly during your commute. It’s a cart full of groceries wheeled out and put in your car. It’s a house, not an apartment. It’s screenwriting opportunities galore. Or at the very least, it’s competition that pushes you. It’s UCB LA. It’s running along the beach. It’s sneaking into the viceroy to take a shit in their lobby bathroom – and letting them give you that free bottle of water, thinking you’re a guest who just got back from a run. It’s Joni’s coffee on a saturday morning (go there it’s not far from you). It’s shoppppping. Cheap manicures and pedicures. Sunny streets. Flourishing lawns. It’s not NYC.

I know how you feel, and I hope now you understand why I was bummed when I got here. It was nothing personal, I promise you. You’re my saving grace here.

And for what it’s worth, after a while you start realizing the things that make NYC fantastic.

Keep having fun.  Hopefully we’ll talk on ichat today. But I wanna hear how it’s going when you have time.

Sara

No Way. I say no way, is any of this real.

Think about it: we live in a reality where if you slice your skin, bright red liquid comes pouring out of your body. BUT. As long as you patch it up, the liquid miraculously stops and over time your skin grows itself back together and eventually, it’s as if your skin was never sliced to begin with.

We have always accepted this as reality but if you stop and really think about it, and I mean really think about it it sounds like something out of a low budget sci-fi film.

And it’s not just the skin thing, there’s more. Like, the DNA thing. You mean to tell me that we have some unique make up inside us that scientists can detect by putting a cotton swab in our mouths? Or by stealing a can of soda we threw in the trash… and rubbing a cotton swab on THAT? Or even by taking a little dribble of a man’s ejaculation… (which is a whole OTHER thing that seems too weird to be real – guys shoot stuff out of their penises? AND THAT’S  THE STUFF THAT MAKES ANOTHER HUMAN? No way. There’s just no way, that’s too ridiculous). So with a little of our spit, cops can read our DNA and tell us if we murdered the person found dead in the barn last week. Yeah, that sounds logical.

I mean, COME ON, guys. We have to just be being naive, right?

Let me stop what you’re thinking right now: I am completely sober. There is just too much we blindly accept as reality.

If you feel no need to question that you’re reading this while you have a basic skeleton shape underneath your surface, then how can you question anything at all? Sure, your skeleton needs milk to stay strong, that’s not random or anything. But no worries, if any part of it does break all you have to do is hold that part of your skeleton in one place for a few weeks and it will just mend itself, no big deal.

How have any of us non scientists never asked to see proof of anything? So many things. Actually, everything. Literally everything.

I’m going to stop letting my brain tell my fingers where to type these letters. And instead I’m going to click “post” and then this stuff will go onto the internet – a magical place where things live only in zeros and ones yet our eyes get to see the final product: this fucking post.

I’m not making sense. Or maybe I am, it’s just that there’s a chip inside your brain blocking you from comprehension. Sounds asinine, I know. But if this is something you were told from the beginning of your life it would make total sense. THAT’S MY POINT. Who knows, maybe THEY put the chip inside your brain! Because if you were to understand this post, the whole world would turn upside down.) You know, the world? That ROUND thing we live on… Not that you’re going to question that or anything.)

Don’t Back Up Your Shit!

I was so proud of myself for backing up my computer before turning it in to my last job. I connected my hard drive, dragged, dropped, deleted, emptied, gave it a wet goodbye kiss and handed my good friend in…

Well it turns out, you can’t just drag and drop a hard drive. Or something. All I know is, that shit is gone.

GONE.

Commence heartbreak. The slow kind of break that hurts more. OWWWW. My work! My memories! My life… vanished. I didn’t even tell anyone about it for a while, and we all know when you keep quiet about something you did wrong, it was either super dumb or super evil. Man. At least being evil is fun… this just hurt.

But wait. Wait just a hot second here…

Most of my favorite pictures are on facebook. And, let’s be honest, when was I going to finish writing all those “comedy pieces” anyway? And versions 1 through 45,234,938 of every script I ever wrote at Johannes Leonardo doesn’t matter because that approved 45,234,939th version is safe on a PDF on some other computer in the office. Sure, I lost music I’d purchased, but Steve Jobs has gotta eat, right? I’ll rebuy the ones I cared about or revisit some old tunes on my old computer. (In fact, I’m listening to Coldplay as I type this. So what?)

MY CHALLENGE TO YOU:

Stop backing up your hard drive. Live dangerously. Scoff at those who scoff at your carelessness. Trust me, your best stuff you’ve shared via email, facebook, or linkedin (if you are a raging nerd). It’s not gone forever, it’s out in the world where it belongs.

And guys with backup hard drives full of porn… really? That crap runs free all over the internet (I’ve heard). Put on some silk boxers, light some candles, and find some new .mov tonight, it’ll be fun!

Texas on My Mind

First and foremost, I’d like to apologize that this is the 3rd post in a row that involves geography, but I can’t rearrange these things so you’re just going to have to manually read these in a different order if it bothers you so much.

Country music.

I have not been able to put enough country music in my ears since I got back from Texas. (It’s been 4 days.) I’m not saying I want to move back to Austin, I’m just saying that the town, and my friends there, kick some serious ass.

It’s no secret that we from Texas have more pride for our state than any other losers from anywhere else. We are obsessed with ourselves. We love our chips and we love our salsa. We love our lakes and we love our beers. We love our road trips, our sunsets, and of course our pickup trucks. But there’s nothing we love more than our country music.

BECAUSE COUNTRY MUSIC IS MAGIC. Once a song is loved, it is forever loved. Unlike any other genre, there’s no such thing as listening to a country song so much that one day while it’s on repeat you realize you loathe it. And it’s because that country song will always bring you right back to where you were when you first fell in love with it.

The only other things I know to have that reliable power to remind you where you were, are tragedies and terrorist attacks.

Country music is 100% more enjoyable than either of those things.

Having since lived in a thousand places that aren’t Texas, I don’t hear country music often. But when I do, dear God do I remember how much fucking fun it is. When I was in Austin over New Years, I finally got another taste of it. But as usual, my trip was way too short, rendering me unable to get my fix. (Just one more song!) So now here I am, back in New York City in my body, but in my mind I’m still where I want to be – with my friends in Austin.

If you’ve walked by my desk at any time since Monday, you’ve noticed my headphones in full effect. “Hmm, I wonder if she’s having a Kanye or a Kings of Leon day?,” you asked yourself. Well ma’am or sir, the answer is neither. Because guess what? I’ve been blasting the shit out of some good ‘ol country western music.

LIKE, NONSTOP.

So as far as my mind is concerned, I’m still in Austin, still with my lovely lovely friends, and still deciding if I should order another margarita or switch to Tecate.

Happy 2010, everyone.

CONSUME OR BE CONSUMED

There was a time I felt like a little bitty thing frolicking through life barefoot in the sun. But in New York I am a machine furiously moving between buildings, consuming everything in sight. And I’m not alone here – I look around and all the strangers are doing it too.

Must drink. Must eat. Must sweat. Must read. Must see. Must hear. Must hurry. Must everything.

That’s some Pacman shit.

chomp chomp